| Author | Message | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1781 Registered: 12-2003 |
Allegory of Love in a Time of Drought Before we met I was a weed in your dreams, my hair already gone to seed. Thousands of brown whirligigs helicoptered through the air to twist a taproot into your moonlight garden. One took hold, a perfect clone: green, tall, with wild hair that rubbed against the clapboard like a musician in a hillbilly band. Its music played all night, then vanished as daylight’s glint reflected off your red shears onto my image walking up the road to ask for a drink of well-water. (Message edited by jimdoss on August 16, 2005) (Message edited by jimdoss on August 16, 2005) My books are available at http://www.lulu.com/jimdoss. Visit Loch Raven Review at http://www.lochravenreview.com. | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 192 Registered: 07-2005 |
Jim... I can really dig this allegory... and the humor gives the poem a nice touch. I chuckled at your hair gone to seed and the hillbilly band had me shaking my head with approval. If I could impose a few suggestions, it would be to drop "there" in S3 (extraneous) and to make the simile in S1 a metaphor by saying: I was a weed IMHO, metaphor is triple word score in Scrabble while simile is like double.  Cary... | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1785 Registered: 12-2003 |
Cary, Thanks for the suggestions. Jim My books are available at http://www.lulu.com/jimdoss. Visit Loch Raven Review at http://www.lochravenreview.com. | ||
| Denis M. Garrison
Advanced Member Username: denismgarrison Post Number: 543 Registered: 01-2005 |
Jim, Cool! Now, how about one with Edward Scissorhands - a noir?  bw, Denis www.dmgar.com Visit Haiku Harvest at www.haikuharvest.net Visit Loch Raven Review at www.lochravenreview.com My books are available at www.lulu.com/denismgarrison | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Senior Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 2653 Registered: 09-2002 |
Jim, hmm, sounds slightly dangerous, but then I guess love is. Is there any way to get rid of the rhyme in the first stanza? Best, Kathryn | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 4865 Registered: 11-1998 |
Glad to see you took Cary's suggestions, Jim. The best of this one is the title (not that the rest is not good, but the title is outstanding). It grabbed me and made me smile in all the right places through the read. Titles are so very important and I just wanted you to know you got that part just right! *smile* It remind me of that book title, "Love in the Time of Cholera" -- don't know why, it just did. | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2687 Registered: 07-2002 |
Jim, I also love the title and the imagery here. One grammar nit--it's in stanza 5 should be its (possessive, right?). And I wonder if 'garden of moonlight' feels a bit cliche. Maybe simplified to moonlight garden? Best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Advanced Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2339 Registered: 12-2003 |
Jim, what fun! K | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1549 Registered: 08-2003 |
Very cool line breaks. Sweet one Jim. E | ||
| Christopher T George
Advanced Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 1880 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi Jim Very nice work on this piece. One typo noted: "monnlight" should be "moonlight". You might disguise that rhyme in stanza 1 by making it-- Before we met I was a weed in your dreams, my hair already gone to seed. Good luck on finalizing this fine and satisfying poem. Excellent stuff, Jim. All my best Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com | ||
| SplinterGroup
Advanced Member Username: splinter Post Number: 876 Registered: 11-2003 |
Damm fine and tightly packed but still smokable like a good cigar. Loved the allegory having been "a weed" for a long long time myself until recently. like the follow through and the flow as well. | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1790 Registered: 12-2003 |
Denis, Thanks for reading. That's one movie I haven't seen yet, even though it's been on TV lately. Kathryn, Yep, love has to be a little dangerous, else it gets boring after a while. I would like to figure out some way to get that rhyme out of disguise it. M, Thanks for your comments on the title. I've read a fair amount of Marquez. Lisa, Thanks for the suggestion. I've taken it. Kathy and E, Thanks for reading. Chris, Thanks for the suggestion. Alan, Thanks for reading and commenting. I'll smoke one for you. Jim My books are available at http://www.lulu.com/jimdoss. Visit Loch Raven Review at http://www.lochravenreview.com. | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1169 Registered: 11-2003 |
i love this that is all laurie no one more thing this could be WCW if he collaberated with Arlo Guthrie very nice lb |
